it feels like my life has come full circle since my last birthday–27 was such a year of change, awakenings, transitions. and i’m happy to report that i’ve made it out on the other side, with a few scrapes, bruises and a whole lot more than i started with it. it’s amazing to me that to gain you have to lose, and at least in my case, to lose big. it’s salvation through complete failure, through falling through the floor in a very public sense.
but now i’m finally a whole person, finding out that i’m more than i ever imagined, than i thought i could be. that i love to be in love. that i love to work–on my own terms. that i love that my life feels meaningful in a way that i never thought it could as i have a bit of an existential bent wedged in my brain. it’s still there but my world is so much brighter, more open, more full. it’s finally becoming real in a way and i’m starting to come in to my own. i’m ready for new adventures, to push myself to the limits and back to center again, to feel a sense of abandon and freedom, to let myself love. to not be perfect or pretend to be. to embrace my idiosyncrasies, my demanding nature, my lack of tolerance for mediocrity, of polite platitudes, of people that make me feel horrible or whose presence makes me dumber.
i learned that it’s ok to fall, but it’s not ok to stay down. so i didn’t.
in the last year i wrote a manuscript. i started my own business and built it from the bottom up, almost accidentally at times. i fell in love. i painted my nails a color other than clear. i saw the darkness and ran into it, embraced it, conquered it and came out on the other side. i had an ankle injury that kept me away from my favorite form of stress relief and pushed me to rest and reflect. i went to paris and spent a cold christmas by myself and celebrated the holiday over a bottle of red wine and the remainder of my manuscript. i sobbed on the phone to my best friend who was about a million miles away ad naseum. i learned how to pay a bill and set a budget. i missed my sense of safety. and i grew. it’s the year i refused to live in fear any longer, dream bigger, to embrace complexities.
this is my year.